Hi there, How's it going?

Can someone please tell me when the handshake became so fucking complicated?
When did this simple greeting turn into this ridiculous choreographed ballet, or in my case a confusing and scary hand raping?
These days I never know. I reach in, hoping for the good old grab-up-down-up-release. If that happens I'm a happy camper. But for some reason that is not enough for people. They've got to twist my hand around. I'm commonly caught in some strange thumb embrace. I've had a guy slide his hand away, as if I were "giving him some skin" at the end he snapped his fingers.
Once these maroons finally let my hand go I think "finally that awkward embrace is over". But that can be a premature thought. The release is often just a part of the dance, they want you to come back in for more. Typically a bump, or to "pound it".
So I say to all those whose hands I may shake, "You are not the Fresh Prince and I am not your DJ Jazzy Jeff! Up-Down-Up-Release! Have some class."