Some of you may not know this about me, but I have a lazy eye. Have since I was real young. I was looking at that twirlymajigs parents hang above their kids cribs and ol'lefty said, "Damn man. This is too much work, I'm going on break".
Fuckers' been slacking off ever since.
So around the time I was three or so I have had to wear glasses. Then half way through kindergarten my folks took me to a new optometrist. And this guy was an out of the box thinker. He was cutting edge. Break trough ideas every day. He decided, "Well shit, we should put a patch over the right eye."
Yeah, smart dude. He figured that putting all the pressure on the lazy bastard in the left socket would fix the situation.
Back then I didn't know as much about being cool as I do today, but I knew that a 5 year old wearing an eye patch was not going to be the envy of the school yard.
My mom tried to help out. She told me,"Don't worry Adam. You're like a pirate. The kids will like your patch."
The children at school were not convinced of my new found coolness. Apparently pirates did not wear fleshy coloured eye patches. Thus, I looked nothing like a bad ass pirate. I looked like a disfigured cyclops. A fucking lazy-eyed cyclops.
Looking back on it. I think the optometrist was a sadist. He was a twisted asshole. Good thing he wasn't a real doctor.
What would he have done if I had asthma. "Oh don't worry Mrs. Karppinen, just tickle him." "Hey little guy, looks like you broke your arm..." BOOM! Kick in the balls.
I hate that man.
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