Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The More You Know * With ADAM!!!!

The Chow Chow is a dog. It's all puffy it really does look fat and lazy. Also its tongue looks like it was drinking blue slushies all day long. It's not pink, it's like a purpleish blueish thing. 

Whenever I drink a lot of blue slushie I always poop a vibrant green. I'm not sure if the Chow Chow shits green or not, but look at its goofy-ass tongue.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Monday Moron(s)

No morons...just awesome!

Friday, December 26, 2008

2008 = Novelty Fuck

Apparently in the year of 2008, over the first 11 months the whole innernet search thingy ratings went 1. Sarah Palin 2. Poker 3. Brittney Spears.
I have issue with the whole top three. The first thing is that none of the top three should be in the top three. I'll grant them top ten status, but that's being generous.
Now Mrs. Spears is a trainwreck, granted this is fun. But she's been a disaster for years now, that's old news. And the big news with her is that she cleaned herself up. Last year she looked like something you scraped off the bottom of your shoe. This year she's back to fine form. But! You have to remember she's been hollowed out by some scumbags and spit out two kids since her heyday. She is still a hot number, but c'mon North America! I can think of 10 women equally as attractive who's vaginas have not been publically punished as hers. Look them up you dirty perverts.
Poker. I mean Poker? C'mon dorks, they're called girls. Go meet some.
Palin, yeah she was kinda neat. I guess more so if you are an American citizen. But really, her and TigerBox had no chance of winning. And so what if she used to be hot! She's a moderately attractive older woman. Go to a soccer game! There'll be a ton of Palin clones filling the seats there.
I'm not entirely sure what happened this year, but I sure hope that the history books have something more notable than these three topics to document. Here's to 2009 and something momentus happening.

Monday, December 22, 2008


I must start off by telling you I am not a religious man. I do however, believe that the world exists because of balances. The yin and yang of life. There is light for the dark, left for the right and up for the down.
So when I sat down to watch The Office and saw some new show "Kath&Kim"was on I figured, "what's the worst that can happen?".
I cannot begin to describe the horrors I witnessed. That show is beyond bad, it's evil! So evil that I am now forced to flirt with the idea that there is something bigger than you and me, if "Kath&Kim" can exist then the universe must have something good enough to balance the scales, some sort of "God".

*I used a random picture of Selma Blair because I prefer to remember her as the girl who somehow looks hot while having a body void of any and all curves. She's a sexy twig.

Graves... acoustic... awesome.

Monday Moron(s)

Again and again!

This one is classic and seems right for the holidays!

This was a good week!
Now have a good week!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Put up your dukes!


You people fans of the UFC and MMA?
That stuff is taking off like wild fire, which isn't necessarily a good thing. Sure it is fun to watch, but it's seriously giving some meat-heads boners. They get together to watch the fights and knock back a few beers then they're magically some macho-men hellbent on proving their manhood. These bozos get all stirred up and go out picking fights.
How sad is this? It's 2008, nearly 2009! I mean we're not living in caves. We are civilized people, or at least we should be. All of this violence and fighting is giving humanity a black eye, it's uncalled for, it's ridiculous, childish and embarrassing!

...Fuck I wish I was tough.

Monday, December 15, 2008

You Suck

...not Mighty Healthy!

Monday Moron(s)

Its funny how there is never a shortage of morons in this world.


See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Figure your life out!

Have a good Monday!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Hundreds

For those of you who don't know, pretty much my favorite clothing line ever is The Hundreds based out of Los Angeles. I recently got a new zip-up hoodie, of course it is The Hundreds, and it is one of my personal favorite designs they have released. (easily in top 5) 
You will se why...

See, told you it's an awesome design. 

So I am pretty happy about having this!
The Hundreds has recently put out there own set of shoes, the Johnson, which honestly if I do happen to get them for Christmas, I will shit myself, literally.

Overall they are a pretty rad company with awesome clothing, check them out at thehundreds.com, there is much more to see there.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Pitbull Takes 3 Bullets and Lives

I own an American Pitbull Terrier, he's my best friend and the best dog I could ever want. So it really bugs me that people are still so uneducated about the breed and think they're monsters and that the only people that own them are criminals or people who want to look tough. Most people have no idea about the history of the APBT breed and the love and loyalty they are capable of showing to their owners.

This story is about a family who's house was being broken into and how their pitbull saved their lives.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Best of 2008: Karps


A. REM - Accelerate

B. Sigur Ros - Med sud i eyrum vid spilum endalaust

C. The Mountain Goats - Heretic Pride

D. Battles - Mirrored (This came out in '07, but who the fuck knew that. Listen to it, it's strange)

E. Atmosphere - When life gives you lemons, You paint that shit gold.

A tip of the cap to Bleeding Through, Misery Signals and Weezer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpGp-22t0lU Take a peek there to sample Battles and their song Atlas.

Movies: I can't think of anything that's been that great or hasn't been listed on this page already. So, here are the top 5 cool movie names of movies I have not see that were released this year.

A. The Haunted World of Superbeasto

B. My Brother is an Only Child

C. Poultrygeist

D. Allah Made Me Funny

E. Gunnin for that #1 Spot

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Best of 2008: Trevor


2: Bleeding Through - Declaration
3: Protest The Hero - Fortress
4: Weezer - Red Album
5: Shai Hulud - Misanthropy Pure
6: Misery Signals - Controller
7: All That Remains - Overcome
8: Austrian Death Machine - Total Brutal
9: Rise Against - Appeal To Reason

Most Excited for Albums coming in 2009
2: Between The Buried And Me
3: Death By Stereo


1: Diary Of The Dead (not sure if it was 2007 or 2008, but I didn't see it until 2008, so it stays)
2: Pineapple Express
3: Batman - The Dark Knight
4: Funny Games
5: Saw 5
6: Step Brothers

I hope There are more good Horror movies in 2009 (equally good to 30 Days of Night)
I would do a "Most excited for" movies of 2009, but I really can't think of any movies coming out right now.

Best of 2008: Munster


Top 10 CD's

1 Shai Hulud - Misanthropy Pure
2 Bleeding Through - Declaration
3 Signals - Controller
4 Fucked Up - The Chemistry of Common Life
5 H20 - Nothing to Prove
6 Terror - The Damned, The Shamed
7 All That Remains - Overcome
8 Protest the Hero - Fortress
9 In Flames - A Sense Of Purpose
10 Austrian Death Machine - Total Brutal
This was a pretty brutal year in music buying for me. I think I bought maybe 20 cd's. Hopefully next year is better.

Most anticipated for next year
1 Death by Stereo
2 Mastodon
3 Between the Buried and Me
4 Most Precious Blood
5 Dillinger Escape Plan
6 Irons

Top 10 Movies
1 Pineapple Express
2 The Dark Knight
3 007 Quantum of Solace
4 Step Brothers
5 Forgetting Sarah Marshall
6 Semi-Pro
7 Lost Boys: The Tribe
This is more of a "What movies did you see in 2008" list for me. I did see more than this, but none of them deserve to be on a best of list. Hopefully there are some good Horror movies set to come out in 2009.

Most anticipated for next year
1 Land of the Lost
2 Where the Wild Things Are
3 Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
4 Angels and Demons

Oh My Satan!

These are must haves for any proper metal fan. Apparently they'll be released early 2009.

From Hypebeast

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Terror just released their newest video for the song Betrayer from The Damned, the Shamed. Not my favorite from that album but definitely a solid song.
TERROR - Betrayer

While I'm on the subject of music, stay tuned for our best of 2008 list to come soon.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Monday Moron(s)

I don't know if this would be moron, or asshole?

Again, moron or asshole?

Moron for sure!

Have a good Monday!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Still got a leg to stand on.

A friend of mine lost a leg in a tragic car accident recently. But at least now he like never has to do a wash load of socks. It's like his sock drawer was just doubled, lucky bugger.

As well, when visiting him, I noticed a shoe rack filled with right shoes... I think that's being a little overly optimistic. But I didn't say anything.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

This popcorn...

is the best, go try some.

Get a bag and movie and you will destroy the bag before the movie is half over...trust me.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Go buy this!

Go buy this DVD!

It's a very good DVD from a great band.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Saskatoon Blog Heavyweights

Being bored at work today I stumbled upon an interview with Owen Woytowich. He's a professional photographer from Saskatoon who now works full time for SBC. A few of us actually ran into him on a random occasion at the skatepark this summer and had a game of "old guy "skate"". You can read the interview here

In that interview I also made my way over to YouWillSoon Which is a very entertaining blog from a few more local Saskatoon skateboarders. Although I don't actually "know" these guys, I've been around skateboarding in Saskatoon long enough to know who they are. I'd also like to point out that, for the record, people who A) Love Danzig. B) Are funny and C) Obviously enjoyed Girl/Chocolate's "golden years" as much as I did are generally pretty awesome and for no other reason should have their blog checked out because of it.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Monday Moron(s)

Everyone needs a Monday Morning laugh.

More women need to just wear body paint!

(from CollegeHumor)

Monday...always a good day!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Gimme Money!

Have you ever applied for a loan, or a line of credit?
Maybe you wanted a car, or needed to pay for school. Not enough cash, so it's time to head to the bank and let them tell you what you're worth.
I've done this a number of times in my life. One thing remains constant every time I go down for a consultation.

I look spiffy! Fuck do I get dolled up! I iron my shirt, spray on the good cologne, I even get myself a store bought haircut (Why pay someone $20 to do well what I could do terribly for free?).

I'm not sure why I figure this ritual helps. I know they can see my bank balance and know my credit rating. Frankly, I'd be more comfortable showing my manhood to a room full of single women after icing down my junk for an afternoon than have them see my bank statements.

I guess in my head I've convinced myself that these bankers see the wrinkle proof Denver-Hayes cotton slacks and a smart, trustworthy, financially savvy individual....

Banker, "So Adam, it looks like you are applying for an extension on your line of credit here."

Me, "Yeah, you see. Derek has an Xbox 360 and there is this new James Bond game out. Now he could play online against me if I had the system and the game you see. Long story short, I'm wearing a suit and my hair looks respectable, what are you afraid of?"

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pure Awesome

If you're a big fan of both Bas Rutten and Daryn Jones then you've already probably seen all of this. If not, here ya go!

This is the video that kicked it off.

Bas' warning!

Bas finds Daryn.

Bas is in Canada.

And the finale.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

hubba hubba... NOT!

The Playboy Bunny is a symbol recognized around the world. It is a sign of a very successful company, and of amazingly beautiful women. For me it has become a sign that a boner is only a few pages away.
Now my world has been thrown for a loop. Playboy has really dove head first into merchandising and their logo can be seen on all sorts of products.
And I ask, why do all of the women I see wearing the playboy items make me want to gouge my eyes out and my penis just wants to run away?
All my life I have been conditioned to associate the "bunny" with fantastically beautiful women. Now when I see the bunny my dick starts to stir, it's a Pavlovian response. But when my eyes adjust and I take in the whole image of the ghoul wearing the XXL Playboy tanktop that is still two sizes too small I feel cheated and nauseated.
I haven't put in the research hours, but I'll bet you that these gals I speak of also own a Nascar Shirt that they wear on laundry day. Or at very least a John Deer t-shirt. Proving they are a part of the upper crust of the human pie.
Hey Playboy! You're muddying the brand and scaring my penis. Fix this now!
Also, to the fat girls. Now that I've got your attention I'd like to say you can stop taking those photos of yourself where you hold the camera up from your face at an angle and only show down to your cleavage.
Sure, it still fools me every time. But with people tagging people left, right and center on facebook I'm going to see the rest of you sooner or later. I think it's best if you just stop lying to yourself with those photos. But more importantly if you stop lying to me and my penis with those photos -- we don't like being tricked.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Hey Steve!

If your name is Steve or Steven/Stephen please read this carefully. I beg of you, take what I have to say to heart.

From this day forward I will no longer call any of you "Steve-O". Save for the exception that your last name starts with an "O", then I will do it, but I reserve the right to not be happy about it. The rest of you can go fuck yourselves for the following reasons:

1. If I wanted to call you something other than your real name I'd choose something shorter. Steve-O is longer than Steve. Doesn't make the grade right there.

2. There are already too many Steve-O's out there. I'm doing you a favour.

3. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY should be allowed to pick their own nickname. I don't know of any other name out there that insists on being called by a stupid nickname more than the Steve's of the world.

Now, if you insist on being called by a nickname I will call you "Skippy" or "Spud". If you complain about that, then you get a more confusing and less enjoyable nickname along the lines of "Toenails" or "Fingerpaint". Complain again and I'm just going to have to kill something you love

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Come on now.

I can understand getting angry while skateboarding. Anyone who has ever skateboarded with me can attest to that. The problem with this guy is that he's getting angry, but it appears as if he can't even do a noseslide. I always hated when people would try harder tricks than they can do and either get mad or say some shit like "Oh man I was nailing that trick yesterday". There's no shame in learning, everyone does it.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


Two of the best bands making music today. Both with a live cd and dvd. How can you go wrong?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Have it, need it, have it, have it...

I was staying at my parents place for a while in my old room. So I started to go through the closet and look at a bunch of my old junk, when I stumbled upon my old Hockey Card collection.

I flipped through the binders looking at these old familiar names thinking to myself, "I had some good ones back in the day. I'll bet you some of these are worth quite a bit now..."

Then I stopped myself realizing that anyone who believes these cards are valuable probably doesn't have any money at all... or a life.

So if there are any rich losers out there looking for either a Pavel Bure or Jaromir Jagr rookie card, hit a brother up.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Things to come...

It's hard to look on the lighter side of life some days. New to this whole work-a-day world. Looking at an economy that is going all topsy turvy and spiralling out of control. People fearing about their futures, about their mortgages, and about where their next meal will come from...

So I decided to quit my job and head out east!

That's right. I'm going to China. Saturday November 1st 2008 I'll take off for Yantai in search of funny and peculiar things those dudes do that I can make fun of for your enjoyment. That's right, my racial/cultural ignorance is going international.

Look to have your minds blown this winter as Code Seven goes Asian.

P.S. We will not be spiking our hair all crazy. We're not going that Asian.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

In the middle of the night...

I was watching Animal Planet and they had a show on Jaguars. Which is pretty cool. Did you know that they are the third largest cat in the cat family? Did you know that they have super strong jaws and typically crush the skulls of their prey?
Yeah! It's true. Jaguars are pretty bad ass.
Did you also know that they have those long whiskers to help them sense how close their surroundings are when it's real dark? The guy on the show went on and on forever about how many fancy features they have to help them hunt in the dark.
Here's a thought. Wake up earlier ya lazy Jaguars!
Laying around all day. Come on!
You don't see a Shark just laying around not moving, because it would die. So, be fierce ya lazy jags take a page out of the sharks book, kill you some daylight animals too.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A message to the Ladies!

Hey gals.

Hate it when a guy approaches you in a bar or something and asks to buy you a drink or for a dance and you're just not interested?


Well I'll bet you hate that "mean" feeling of turning him down because he's ugly and you think you're better than him?

If you answered yes to these questions I've got some great advice for you.

When in that awkward situation just say, "Thank you, that is so sweet. But I'm a giant lesbian. I love vaginas just like you."

The guy will completely understand and not feel rejected. Plus, he may not get you for the evening, but he gets the mental image of you ears deep in someones taco.

It's really win win. Just do your part gals.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Religion: Offensive to Jesus?

A lot of religious people wear crosses around their necks.

Now if I were Jesus and I came back. I think that whole "cross incident" is something I wouldn't want to be reminded of...

Just tossing that out there.

Another Death. Evan Tanner.

This story is taken directly from cagepotato.com

Former UFC middleweight champion Evan Tanner has been found dead in the Palo Verde mountain area of the southern California desert. The news was confirmed with Tanner’s manager, John Hayner, who said he learned just an hour ago that the body found was indeed Tanner. He was thirty-seven years old.

“He was in a real positive state of mind, he wasn’t having any drinking problems or any of those types of problems. He was really feeling good about his life,” Hayner told CagePotato.com.

Hayner said that Tanner had gone into the desert on a motorcycle expedition and had run out of gas. Tanner was attempting to walk out of the desert, Hayner said, but apparently didn’t realize how far away from civilization he was and died of exposure in the triple-digit heat. Tanner’s empty campsite was spotted Sunday, and an aerial search located his body earlier this afternoon.

A post written by Tanner on his Spike TV blog told of his planning for the trip, and emphasized his desire to bring only essentials in his escape to the solitude of the desert:

I’ve been gathering my gear for this adventure for over a month, not a long time by most standards, but far too long for my impatient nature. Being a minimalist by nature, wanting to carry only the essentials, and being extremely particular, it has been a little difficult to find just the right equipment. I plan on going so deep into the desert, that any failure of my equipment, could cost me my life. I’ve been doing a great deal of research and study. I want to know all I can about where I’m going, and I want to make sure I have the best equipment.

Hayner told of a man who “marched to a beat only he could hear,” but maintained a positive outlook on life.

“Here was a famous UFC fighter who didn’t have enough food to eat at times. I’d call him just to make sure he had food in his fridge, but he never let it get him down. Starting over was kind of a theme in his life. He hardly ever lived in the same place more than six months,” Hayner said. “He moved out to Vegas and then found it too shallow for him, so he moved out to Oceanside and had a great place, he was learning to surf, and he was really enjoying his day-to-day life.”

Thursday, September 4, 2008

News Talk Radio

I was listening to Mr. John Gormley on News Talk 650 the other day, and something struck me as odd. It wasn't in anything he said, but in the commercials.
The first was for a local funeral home. They are celebrating their 5th anniversary. Good for you, 5 years in the death biz! But they went on to thank people for their support... Hmmm, Hey Mr. Johnson thanks for ignoring your doctors advice and having that heart attack?
The next was an ad for a hearing clinic. Cool, people need to hear. But a radio ad? Are you sure you're going to get across to your target audience?
Finally there was some pro-life ad. A whole riteous don't kill your fetus ad. I have no funny angle on this one. That's just offensive. Thanks news talk radio saskatchewan, make those tough choices for the confused youth of today!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

My friend Nokia, I knew him well

I think my cell phone is depressed.
Every time I get down to one bar it starts acting funny, exhibiting strange behavior. It begins to beep and flash. Doing all that it can to kill it's battery, and in essence, end it's life. My cell phone tries with all its might to die.
I can't really say I blame it. These days we are asking too much of this handy little device. It's not good enough to just be a phone any more. Back in the day all the phone had to do was hang out on the wall and keep a family in the loop. Now we need photos, task managers and music with our phones. It's just too much to ask of any device!

Friday, August 29, 2008

People are useless.

I can't imagine how our species ever made it through anything. It's hard for me to even believe we've survived this long. What I mean is, when the fuck did everyone start relying on someone else for everything? It's like nobody does anything for themselves anymore. Our race has turned into a bunch of scared little weaklings who can't do anything for themselves. Why is it so hard for people to learn things on their own? Why is almost everyone always looking for an easy way out in every situation in life? Don't people know that it's life experiences that make individuals who they are? It makes me sick to be around so many people that would rather have everything done for them or explained to them ad nauseum when all it would take is a little time and hard work. I wish I had some sort of conclusion to this rant but I don't, people are useless.

Here's a couple of quotes from Mark Rippetoe:

"The interesting thing is that everybody really already knows this, because there are few examples in life that don’t follow the basic rules of the universe, the ones that dictate the behavior of everything. One of the most basic of those rules is that, with the exception of the occasional lottery winner, you pretty much get out of an effort what you put into it. We’re all quite familiar with this reality, although we are often willing to believe people who tell us otherwise, about exercise and about life. The sooner everybody—both halves of the population—accepts the fact that effective exercise is more like training for athletics and less like lying around on the floor, more about performance and less about appearance, the sooner it will be understood that women really don’t need their own figure salon."

"…we have not spent the last 65 million or so years finely honing our physiology to watch Oprah. Like it or not, we are the product of a very long process of adaptation to a harsh physical existence, and the past couple centuries of comparative ease and plenty are not enough time to change our genome. We humans are at our best when our existence mirrors, or at least simulates, the one we are still genetically adapted to live. And that is the purpose of exercise."

And a Rip Anecdote:

"My favorite happens to be the tale on supplementary equipment. A man insisted on wearing straps for exercises he probably could have gotten away without having worn them. Rip, in classic Rip fashion, decided to start wearing straps to do all sorts of things, including opening doors and going to the bathroom (he would wear one on his "holding" hand, gotta have wrist support for that) until the guy stopped wearing straps completely."

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Male Pattern Baldness

Do black guys ever resort to wearing a toupe?

Do they even make non novelty black dude wigs? I mean I've got the afro and the dreads in the rasta hat, but what about a sensible do?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


One of the funniest sumumabitches to ever live. Code 7 pays tribute to Bernie Mac.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Fedor Facts

Fedor Emelianenko destroyed Tim Sylvia in 36 seconds on Saturday. These are just a few of the reasons why. (I know it's a Chuck Norris rip off but fuck it, they're funny)

1 --- Some kids piss their name in the snow. Fedor can piss his name into concrete
2 --- Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Fedor can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants
3 --- Fedor counted to infinity - twice
4 --- Fedor once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands
5 --- Fedor's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Fedor
6 --- Fedor can speak braille
7 --- Fedor's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried
8 --- Fedor was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds
9 --- Fedor died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him
10 --- Fedor puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"
11 --- Superman owns a pair of Fedor pajamas
12 --- Fedor can slam revolving doors
13 --- Fedor sleeps with a night light. Not because Fedor is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Fedor
14 --- Once a cobra bit Fedor' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died
15 --- Fedor was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
16 --- Fedor does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Fedor goes killing
17 --- Fedor divides by zero
18 --- Fedor's wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."
19 --- When Fedor gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live
20 --- Fedor is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Fedor
21 --- Giraffes were created when Fedor uppercutted a horse
22 --- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Fedor
23 --- Fedor' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Fedor will not take crap from anyone
24 --- Fedor has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants
25 --- Fedor is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face
26 --- When Fedor exercises, the machine gets stronger
27 --- Fedor doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
28 --- Fedor can build a snowman out of rain
29 --- Fedor once had a heart attack; his heart lost
30 --- Fedor plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins
31 --- Fedor can kill two stones with one bird
32 --- M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Fedor can touch this
33 --- Fedor once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff
34 --- The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Fedor didn't kill you in your sleep
35 --- Fedor once punched a man in the soul
36 --- Fedor did that to Michael Jackson's face
37 --- The chief export of Fedor is pain
38 --- The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Fedor. This amuses Fedor because he is bulletproof
39 --- Fedor can tie his shoes with his feet
40 --- Fedor once finished "The Song that Never Ends"
41 --- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Fedor's fist
42 --- It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Fedor can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box
43 --- The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Fedor is
44 --- We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Fedor doesn't believe in magic
45 --- Fedor can drown a fish
46 --- When Fedor enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off
47 --- Fedor can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who Fedor is
48 --- The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Fedor
49 --- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Fedor has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears
50 --- Fedor was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Fedor."
51 --- Fedor used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him
52 --- The only time Fedor was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake
53 --- The last digit of pi is Fedor. He is the end of all things
54 --- On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Fedor was here."
55 --- When Fedor breaks the law, the law doesn't heal
56 --- A unicorn once kicked Fedor. That is why they no longer exist
57 --- Bullets dodge Fedor
58 --- Fedor once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

Get Yo Energy Drink...Mutha Fucka!

Are Energy Drinks just what is in style right now? or will they last?
As for me, I pray to Little Baby Jesus that they last...forever.
Anyone that knows me, knows that I am a true believer in energy drinks, they are one of the greatest things ever invented of all time. People are always trying to tell me "they aren't good for you", "they have to much caffeine", "they will give you a heart attack". Eat shit, thats what I say, look at all the people all over the world who drink coffee pretty much from the second they wake up to when they go to bed...everyday, ain't no one preaching to them how bad coffee is or how much caffeine is in coffee, so don't tell me what is good or bad for me, I will do what I want.
One of the reasons I believe they are the greatest things of ever all time...they make you feel like a million dollars...and give you energy, what else could you ask for? I also believe that if I can continue drinking these forever, Its not crazy of me to think that they will keep my heart pumping until I see the age of at least 163...thats just what my scientific research has shown for me, results may vary for the individual.

Now for the people who are reading this that have never tried an Energy Drink, I am going to tell you about some of the different kinds of energy drinks, good and bad, and what to expect from drinking them.

FULL THROTTLE: If you dont want the best and dont want the worst, try one of these. Taste good, and you wont look like a faggot. The Black can is Citrus flavor and the Red can is Tropical, and they have a Silver (sugar free) can also Citrus flavored...all get the job done.

RED BULL: First thing I will say about Red Bull is, Overrated. Why? Because, when you go into 7-11 looking for a Red Bull, you have one choice, because no one really buys a sugar free energy drink. Yes Red Bull taste alright, but again you only have one choice, I dont like that, and they cost more than any other drink, i also dont like that. One thing i really like about Red Bull is the hot girls that drive around in the Red Bull cars all day, bonus.

BEAVER BUZZ: Dont be fooled by the name (its pretty dumb) these pack a punch that will knock your socks off. The Beaver Buzz Green Machine Energy packs a whopping 224mg of caffeine, that gets you moving when your feeling lazy. Green Machine Tastes great, but not as good as there Chronic Energy, which has a nice Tangy Grape flavor, just delightful.

XYIENCE: There are only 6 people in the city I live in that can drink these without me thinking they are complete douche bags. Taste Great and work great, and have 180mg of caffeine. The reason i said what i did about these is because idiots see the name Xyience, and immediately relate it to the UFC and think "well fuck, if i drink these im gonna be tough like Chuck Liddell" FALSE! you will not look tough nor will you be tough, but you will look like a chud and everyone is going to know that are only trying to look tough, and they're all gonna laugh at you, they're all gonna laugh at you.

I am only going to write about one more kind of Energy Drink. There are many, many more like Rockstar those are just bull shit (other than Rockstar Punched), AMP, Red Rain, Pink Energy, Bawls, Boo-Koo, 5 Hour Energy (will make you feel like you are going to die), Coca-Cola Black, Cocaine, Crave, Hype, Guru, Fuse, Jolt, Lost, No Fear, NOS, Sobe, Vixen, Talon, Vault, and yes even Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt...just to name few. The last one on my list is Monster.

MONSTER: Intensity in ten cities. Hands down in the top 5 inventions of all time! If you want the greatest tasting drink you will ever drink, grab yourself a Green Monster. Oh yeah thats right, they have many choices of flavors. Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange ad Red. Purple is soon to be realesed. They also have about 6 Monster Javas (coffee Flavored drinks) On average they pack around 140-160mg of caffeine, and all taste good, Green and Yellow being my personal favorites. Bonus! you dont look like a chud drinking these, people see you with a Monster "that guy knows his shit, he's B.A. bad-ass" and you will be able to fuck people up if they are talking shit about you or your Monster. This is the drink that will keep me alive until 163!

I could have kept going for a long time, but i dont feel like typing anymore.
Now that you think you are as smart as me when it comes to Energy Drinks, get off your ass, grab your skateboard and get to your local 7-11 an try one four five six.

p.s. I'd like to continue this and bash sugar free Energy Drinks more...but I guess fat chicks need energy too.

Monday, July 21, 2008


This just in. Hanes "Muscles Shirts" do not contain muscles.
You heard it here first skinny white guys. The popular "muscle shirt" will not add any muscle to your sad physique. Best to embrace the sleeve or hit the gym. This quick fix has turned out to be a fraud.
In a survey of 300 women an astounding 98% revealed that the "muscle shirt" not only adds no muscle, but it manages to give the appearance of a lower I.Q. as well as making the wearer look like a total "fuck-knuckle" -- Their words not  mine.

Monday, July 14, 2008


I signed up for the Aeroplan card in March. It was advised since I'd be doing a lot of driving with my new job. Since then I've earned 1300 Aeroplan miles. And if you're anything like me you'll think of "miles" as a term used for measuring distance. I thought this was rather handy, and I had planned myself a quick trip to Calgary for a wedding.
Turns out "miles" is just Aeroplan slang for "points". The Aeroplan mile does not equal a real mile. The difference is not a simple Imperial/Metric difference. My 300 mile trip costs 21,000, maybe the school system has failed me or maybe Aeroplan is a fucking asshole. You decide.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Poor People

Have you ever noticed that dirty/rubby poor couples will make out no matter who is around. Just out in public they'll randomly stop what they're doing and start sucking face.
Don't believe me? Go to Wal-Mart!
I swear, deals must turn them on.
"Hey bitch! Check out how cheap the Charmin is!"
"Da-amn, that's the good stuff!"
"Yeah, lets make out"
Right then and there they're grossing me out.
That's why I've never gone into a Giant Tiger. I hear they've got fantastic sales. I'm afraid of finding some dirty broke-ass couple humping beside a rack of half off sweat pants or something.
I don't understand their logic. I mean, I get it you're poor. The world isn't that kind, fuck it right?
But I mean if I was a broke ass dirtball standing in line at McDonalds and my baby-mama came up and said, "kiss me lover" I'd have to say something like, "Fuck off. I don't feel sexy right now! Can't you see I can't afford sleeves! ..... What dollar deal do you want?"

...."We're sharing a water"

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Cellular Telephones

I used to think I was awesome, cock of the walk, cream of the crop, king in the castle etc. Every one of my friends had at one point destroyed their cell phones. From stepping on them, to burning them, to throwing them to dropping them into toilets. I had never done this. My phone was 3 years old and in great condition. I had no real need or urge to replace it as my friends had done many times before. It's a slippery slope you walk, when you're friends with my friends. One day your phone's display is acting up, the next, you're dropping it into a schooner of beer so that you can chug said beer and drop the phone onto the table... cell phones are expensive.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Bust A Move!

Breakdancing is an example of something that is fun to watch, but would confuse the fuck out of me if I was deaf.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Grade 6

Grade 6 was a good year.

That was the year I pee'd down the slide at the school for the first time.
It was so liberating. Such an unbridled act of rebelion... It also cleared up a question that had been nagging me for the previous 5 years.
It was like when you have a song in your head and you just can't think of who sings it. But only when you finally think of the artist you don't feel happy, you just feel unthinkably filthy.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

I have a lot of time to think

And I figured out a few things.

1. I really like lemonade, but you'll never catch me drinking it in the winter. That's a delicious summer time only drink.

2. Too many guys wear over sized white sunglasses. Men should never wear women's clothing or accessories. Unless it is for comfort or to make them feel confident, but that mainly applies to panties.

3. My toe nails grow remarkably slower than my finger nails do.

4. If we grow old enough we can look forward to being afraid of escalators; Old people seem to hate them.

5. I tend to forget peoples names right after being introduced to them. I can only assume I am meeting terribly uninteresting people.

6.  My cup of coffee had a warning on it. It said "Caution: Hot" on one line. The line below said "& delicious". I knew it was hot, it could burn me. But I also figured it might be delicious.
I spent my morning flirting with danger.

Monday, May 12, 2008

A Generation of Wussies

I found this on Sherdog.com...

"Manliness in danger of extinction

By Zach Parks

I pump iron, because iron-pumping is manly.

I returned to Oxford after a long winter break to find that my gym had been taken over by idiots. Every January these collar-popping pansies pollute my gym in hopes of gaining last-minute beach muscle in time for spring break. Then, by March they're gone. This futile attempt to reverse a semester of binge drinking is turning my palace of testosterone into a combination of TRL and the Mickey Mouse Club, this annual phenomenon also illustrates the general lack of manliness in today's society. Kids these days lack the sufficient couth, persistence and sportsmanship to maintain a grueling, manly year-round workout. These girly-men need to get the hell out of my gym.

I miss days of our grandfathers, back when men were real men.

Back then the game of dodgeball was played with rocks and the game of dodgerock was played with knives. I miss the days when everyone was a badass.

Somehow between then and now fate decided to take a steaming hot dump all over Darwin's grave as a generation of salty war veterans gave way to a generation of scarf-wearing vaginas.

It hurts me to think that for years society stands idly painting its fingernails while icons like Clint Eastwood are replaced by wieners like Ryan Seacrest. If these generations of manly men were still alive they would spit tobacco juice in Ryan Seacrest's face and then make him wash and wax their Trans Am.

Back in the good old days things were much simpler. Back then you could walk into a caf and not be totally confused. This is because back then it didn't matter if you were trying to order, cappuccino, mocha latte or espresso they were all called the same thing, scotch.

Back then four out of five doctors recommended smoking. This isn't because of doctor's ignorance to the dangers of smoking. This is because lungs used to be much more manly. Lungs used to be a manly shade of black instead of a girly shade of pink. But these days our lungs have devolved into an advanced state of weenie-ism making us incapable of enjoying rich tobacco goodness.

When manly men aren't eating pieces of shit like you for breakfast they're eating sausage wrapped in bacon, wrapped in more bacon and topped with a fried egg, and they wash it down with a glass of bacon grease, topped off with a doctor recommended cigarette.

Look at any grumpy old man and the first thing you'll notice is that he smells like a medium-sized pile of garbage that is sitting on top of a large-sized pile of garbage. This is because of years and years of stink that has built up from a combination of bare-knuckle boxing and bare-knuckle lumberjacking.

Wimps, weenies and vegetarians are ruining our great nation. America is on a downward spiral, we've got a fever and the only prescription is scotch, red meat and lumberjacks.


Friday, April 25, 2008

Thursday, April 24, 2008

This morning...

...started a little blurry

maybe my lunch will wake me up and make things a little more clear for the afternoon.


Tuesday, April 1, 2008

My best friends girl.

It started last Halloween. I stood across the room from him, staring. He looked so sad so pathetic, he was utterly miserable. My girlfriend had dressed my dog up as a Cowboy. I couldn't imagine how he must have felt.

That was until I looked at Tiffany, dressed up as Raggedy Ann. Which meant I was the jack-ass dressed up as her "Andy".

Fuck. My dog had a cooler costume than I did.

That was the day I began to suspect that she actually liked him more than she liked me.

I mean, she takes him for nice walks in the park. She just makes me watch shitty movies and spends my money.

She comes over after the dog has been laying around all day and rubs his belly. I come home from work and ask for a back rub and she tells me the sink is clogged.

She has seen him drink right out of the toilet, but she still lets him lick her. She catches me drinking milk from the jug and then refuses to use any of it or even pours it in my clogged sink.

He pisses on the floor and she scolds him with a, "Bad boy! Look at what you've done!" I pee in the toilet and she wakes me up at 4am to call me an "asshole" for leaving the seat up. Heaven forbid I should fart in bed, even while sleeping. That gets me a solid elbow to kidneys. But I've seen her calmly pick his turds off the floor with a Kleenex.

He humps her leg and she pushes him aside and laughs it off. I hump her leg and she tells me I'm too drunk and have to sleep on the couch.

If you're wondering, I'm single now. She left me... and took my dog.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

...to read any good news on the newspaper page

I like to know what's going on, I like to keep up to date on current events. So I read the paper and watch my local news. But it's really getting redundant. US election, war on terror, US election, war on terror, blah blah blah BORING! All I'm saying is, can't some kid fall down a well or something?

Friday, February 22, 2008

Air Planes

I'm scared of them, straight up. I'm not gonna try to be a tough guy about this one, they scare the shit out of me...and yet I have never been on one. But tomorrow is the day I lose my air plane virginity, and no, I'm not overly excited about this either.
My work is sending me to Toronto for a week, for some training. Which I guess is cool cause its a free trip to Toronto, a place I have never been. Why can't it be in Las Vegas, or Los Angeles? somewhere warm you know?
But either way, chances are my plane tomorrow...or next Friday (on the flight home)...one of them is going to crash. Which sucks, because there is really no where nice for it to crash, its all goddamn frozen dirt from here to Toronto...couldn't have something nice and forgiving...like water, or a fuckin lake of Jello, wouldn't hate crashing into that! But crashing into frozen dirt, chances of survival are slim, especially for a little guy like me, but one thing I got going for me is, I guarantee there is going to be some super annoying people in this flight, that if we crash and they die, i won't think twice about eating them, you've seen the movie "Alive" right? start with ass, Ears Deep!

Thursday, February 14, 2008


Valentines day is my favorite day of the year. It is a day to celebrate love, and who hates that?
This year to make it even more special I made my own card. I feel it really conveys my feelings and my emotions that are usually hidden deep inside my chiseled frame.
Unfortunately, I have nobody "special" to share today with. So I randomly emailed out my card to any address I believed belonged to a female. I also printed off a few and dropped them in mailboxes around my neighborhood.
Lets all just feel the love today

My Thoughts on Valentines Day.

It's a crock of shit.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Here comes Peter Cottontail.

I'm sure many of you heard all of the Santa Claus scandals over the Christmas season.

In case you hadn't, or you'd like a reminder, here you go:

- A department store Santa was fired for saying "ho ho ho"; Santas' trademarked laugh, right? I guess not any longer. "Ho Ho Ho" has been deemed demeaning to women.

- Santa has been the target of fat jokes for years. And it's only getting worse. Parents are blaming him for setting a poor image for children.

- Christians are blaming the popularity of Santa for robbing children of the real meaning of Christmas and the story of Jesus Christ. (What's the big deal about some Mexican?).

All kidding aside. This is serious business. It may seem foolish now, and like good fuel for silly jokes. But these are issues that affect our youth and our world.

I mean, just look at the Easter Bunny! It wasn't that long ago that his slogan was, "Fuck N*ggers and F*gs". And people didn't bat an eye! But that's because olden day people were racist and unaccepting (just talk to your grandparents for proof). The world changed and so did Easter, now it's a fun holiday with eggs and chocolate and junk, and best of all, the Easter Bunny is mute. If that racist little fucker can't say anything, he can't be offensive.

Food for thought folks. Here's to a skinny and respectful Santa Claus in '08.

Monday, February 4, 2008

NY Giants: Superbowl XLII Champs!

In case you didnt catch it over the weekend, the New York Giants upset the New England Patriots' perfect season by beating them in Superbowl XLII. It was a great game, low scoring but back and forth action constantly. I was glad to see the Giants win for two reasons, 1) Because in this first year of my fantasy football career I ended up with a bunch of Giants players and they did pretty well for me. And 2) I fucking hate Bill Belichick. He dresses like a fucking bum off the street and has no sense of sportsmanship whatsoever. The fucker walked off the field with 1 play left in the game without so much as a handshake to Tom Coughlin (Giants coach).

There were a few good plays throughout the game, but this is one takes the cake. Eli scrambling out of a sack to a spectacular catch by David Tyree.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Protest The Hero - Fortress

When I first heard Protest the Hero it was under bad circumstances. I had been waiting through 4 bands already and was getting quite anxious for Death by Stereo to take the stage. I was pissed off to find that another nobody band would be playing before they would go on. Two words, blown away. I knew as soon as I heard this band I'd like them. 4 days later their debut album, Kezia, came out and completely changed my interpretation of heavy music. 3 years later and a lot of wondering "can they ever possibly do anything better than Kezia?" they've come out with an absolutely stunning sophomore album.

Fortress is an answer to that question and it fucks that question up its ass. From the first second to the last second its musical bliss. Fans of the band would have probably already heard "Bloodmeat" on myspace and even MuchMusic, and as an opening song it sets the tone for the album quite well. "The Dissentience" lets you know right away that they aren't afraid of odd time signatures and break neck guitar riffs. I don't want to get into more details because I want anyone who reads this to go buy the cd, come on, it's $12 at HMV.

This album has left me again wondering "can they ever possibly do anything better than Fortress?". The answer has to be yes. Rody's vocal work has evolved leaps and bounds along time with the entire band's instrumental skill level. At this rate they'll become one of the greatest bands of all time, you can quote me on that.


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