Thursday, December 27, 2007

if I could change one thing about myself...

I think that if I could change one thing about myself I'd grow a tail. And not a stupid nub tail. But a functional tail. I hate it when I am making a snack like a glass of juice, some food, maybe a bowl of something else and I'm also trying to carry a DVD or something. It requires a stupid balancing act. I imagine if I had a functional tail I could probably take all that stuff from room to room without dropping anything, or needing to make multiple trips.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Fountain of Youth

Wanna feel young again? Here's a few techniques I came up with to make yourself feel youthful and carefree again.

Have a co-worker say Lettuce and then spell CUP. They'll inadvertently ask to see you urinate! Hilarious.

Have a friend pull the sides of their mouths out with their index fingers and say "I was born on a pirate ship!" They'll think they're bring all cool and piratey but what they'll actually be saying sounds a lot more like "I was born on a pile of shit!" Make sure no grown ups are around cause you could get in trouble with that one.

And last but not least, pick a person of the opposite sex, stare at them, and then start mouthing the words "Elephant Shoes". They'll become so embarrassed at the fact that it looks like you're saying "I love you" to them, that they might even shoot milk out of their nose! And to get really adventurous, stare at someone the same sex as you and hope that they don't beat you into a bloody pulp!

I hope you can all take the time to try one of my patented techniques out during the Christmas holidays. And I'm sure you'll all thank me for being able to transport you back to a simpler time in your life, a time when shit like this was funny.

The happiest time of year!

Christmas is only a week away and that can mean only one thing. World junior hockey is just over a week away. As a Canadian I love this, we all do, we're Canadians gall darn it!
The American team is looking to make a run and maybe topple the menacing giants to the north. The Russians are probably doing something sneaky, c'mon they're Russians.
The Swedes are all looking to regain some former glory, while the Fins are planning on building on some success. Yeah all of Scandinavia is pumped. Except Norway. They will no doubt continue to suck a hairy asshole. Surprising, since they are so close to so many good hockey playing nations.
So I will be nursing a hangover on Boxing Day watching Canada take to the ice. I'd guess most of you guys will do the same. Unless you're out "bargain shopping". In which case, I hope you get a nice dress to match your vaginas.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

What job is right for me?

I, like many of you, don't know what I want to do with my life. And I, again like many of you, have parents who press the issue.
"What are you doing with your life Adam?"
"Have you found yourself a good job yet boy?"
"Don't let your Grandpa die thinking you're a loser Adam. Prove him wrong and validate my parenting skills to the old fart"
It's a lot of pressure as you know.
So since the holidays are fast approaching and I don't want to be the disappointment for yet another year I've been putting my nose to the grindstone. I've been looking high and low for that job that will give me the respect of my family. But, fuck that, I don't know what I want to do. This is tough.
That's why I was so happy when my buddy told me about how his Guidance Counsellor helped him out a lot on choosing his career path. So I made myself an appointment and went down to see one for myself.
I got into the office and said, "Hello Mr. Rubinski I need your help. I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life. I've heard you can help."
He then told me to call him Tom. Sure seemed like a nice approachable guy. Tom told me that it's really life and all the clutter and outside influences that mess a guy up and get him off that track that's right for them.
"Oh?" I replied. Then Tom told me to just think back to when I was a little boy and what did I want to be then.
I got it, I understood what he was getting at. I said, "Oh I see now. When you were growing up you wanted to be a Guidance Counsellor."
My meeting was ended abruptly. Tom kicked me out of the office, he said he had something in his eye and needed to wash it out real bad. It must have hurt a lot becuase I could hear his sobs as I walked out of the building.
Still no help though. When I was growing up I was a small kid and got pushed around a ton so I wanted to be gravity. Everyone has to obey gravity!
You want to test me? I'm gravity, you better grab on to a tree fucker, I'm gonna float your ass into space.

P.S. hang in there Gramps. I'll do ya proud one day.