Wednesday, October 24, 2007


Why is that every time a person is forced to wait in a line -- at the grocery store, liquor store, the 7-11, a public washroom, an amusement park ride, or whatever -- the person behind you is within your comfort zone at all times? For those of you who are oblivious to this concept, a comfort zone is the diameter around a person (usual 4 feet to less than a foot) which should only be breached for the purpose of sexual intercourse.

When I'm in line at a store buying some cigarettes, I'm anxious to get my cigarettes -- the last thing I wanted was to start an intimate relationship with the burly bitch behind me. Let's put it this way -- when I can feel your breath or smell your genitals, you're TOO FUCKING CLOSE. Step the fuck back! I don't know you well enough to tolerate you rubbing up against my ass... in time, maybe, but not right now. Most people seem to be oblivious to the message that is sent by entering someones comfort zone -- this is an issue that needs to be addressed by everyone who has been (and constantly finds themselves in) this same situation. Next time someone is riding your ass in a lineup, ask them to give you a reach-around -- they'll either turn red with embarrassment and step out of your comfort zone, or they might actually start giving you a reach-around. Either way, problem solved.

Or maybe I just smell nice.

30 Days of Night

First statement: Fucking awesome movie. One of the best vampire movies I've ever seen (and I've watched a buttload). From start to finish it was truly entertaining, the type of movie that sucks you into it's reality and you forget you're watching a movie.

What I like about it.
  1. The Vampires: They looked awesome, totally creepy, but still really human looking. The way they fed on humans was interesting. I think it's open to interpretation but it seems like they actually eat humans instead of just sucking blood.

  2. The Actors: They really only used one big actor (Josh Hartnett) which was cool because he's a pretty good actor and didn't ruin the movie. One of the worst things about modern horror movies is that they put big name actors in them and I can never see past the fact that they're that actor and they aren't the character in the movie.
  3. The Plot: Vampires invading an Alaskan town that has no sunrise for 30 days. The head vampire put it best "We should have come here ages ago."
What I didn't like.
  1. There's a love story throughout. I just hated that.
  2. The ending. Could have been done better in my opinion.
I'm not giving too much away in this review since I'm hoping whoever might read this will go see it for themselves.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Damn the Man!

I didn't think I'd see it in my lifetime. But I guess the world is going crazy, it's all topsey-turvey, and I don't believe we're really that far off from a true Orwellian society.
In these chaotic times actions must be taken. But I don't think the government really needs to control all of the actions of their citizens. An opressive government is not a form of security. Sure, beef up your border security if that'll make you sleep at night. But leave our rights, our social liberties. Let us live!
Did you know that phone sex is illegal now?
It's true. I was having a pleasant conversation with a ladyfriend of mine. And well, things got a little heated. One thing led to another, "What are you wearing?" and so on.
Then all of a sudden the door busts open and the coppers slap the cuffs on me. I tried to tell them I'd clean the booth when I was done, but they weren't having any of that.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Damn Evolution!

Let's face it guys, for whatever insane reason, genetics and evolution gave us butt hair. Always making wiping the most unfavorable part of taking a "dump". For a while I've wondered how to minimalize the amount of crap that gets in contact with the hair itself. After years of gruelling scientific research I've decided that it is literally impossible. Then I wondered "What if I used facecloths? They would have the strength and rigidity needed to cleanse the butt hairs of the crap!". Deciding that there was really no totally sanitary way of actually using facecloths, I gave into a world of total despair and endless wiping to achieve "white flags".

Gentlemen, I have found the solution. The researchers at Charmin (obviously male ones) have figured out what we need in a toilet paper and created Charmin Extra Strong with Flex Weave! This shit is the best! Not only does it hold together like a cloth, meaning you don't have to use a handful to ensure you don't get crap on your hands, its smooth yet contoured weaving pattern makes cleaning the butt hairs extremely easy and at least 75% more enjoyable than before. Go out and buy a pack of these wonder papers and you'll see for yourself.

Rejoice! No longer will we suffer through wiping till we bleed. No longer will we risk the chance of stragglers making their way from butt hair to underwear. And no longer will we ever again have to worry about flimsy toilet paper balling up and getting stuck in the butt hairs. Never again, because thanks to Charmin Extra Strength with Flex Weave, we have won the war on butt hair!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Hi there, How's it going?

Can someone please tell me when the handshake became so fucking complicated?
When did this simple greeting turn into this ridiculous choreographed ballet, or in my case a confusing and scary hand raping?
These days I never know. I reach in, hoping for the good old grab-up-down-up-release. If that happens I'm a happy camper. But for some reason that is not enough for people. They've got to twist my hand around. I'm commonly caught in some strange thumb embrace. I've had a guy slide his hand away, as if I were "giving him some skin" at the end he snapped his fingers.
Once these maroons finally let my hand go I think "finally that awkward embrace is over". But that can be a premature thought. The release is often just a part of the dance, they want you to come back in for more. Typically a bump, or to "pound it".
So I say to all those whose hands I may shake, "You are not the Fresh Prince and I am not your DJ Jazzy Jeff! Up-Down-Up-Release! Have some class."

Between the Buried and Me - Colors

I figured fuck it! This isn't solely a comedy blog is it? And if it is so fucking what, I feel like writing an album review.

Being somewhat of an obsessive compulsive music buyer, I end up a lot of times just grabbing something that catches my eye, or something that I've heard or downloaded before just so that I can have the actual cd. Case in point; I'm in West Edmonton Mall a few weeks ago. They have this GIANT HMV so I know I need to find a bunch of music to buy, problem is nothing new or exciting has come out so I just end up buying a bunch of mid 90's hardcore cd's. They kick ass but ultimately aren't what i really needed to buy.

I've been looking at Between the Buried and Me for a while now, thinking about getting Alaska after hearing how musically ridiculous it is and that every metal/metalcore/whatever the fuck band should not even bother writing music because this album is so good. I had just put off buying this cd for whatever reason. Then I find out they just released their newest, Colors. After reading a few reviews of people mentioning that it is in fact better than Alaska I figure I have to get this and find out about this band.

The second I started listening to this cd I was uncontrollably drawn to it. The piano backed soft vocal intro was unique enough to know that this wasn't typical metal(insert your own label). The thing is, this album just keeps throwing things like that at you the whole way through, from African inspired drums on Informal Gluttony to the Nightmare Before Christmas style mini interlude on Sun of Nothing. It's all unexpected, kind of wierd, but it all works, really really really well. Some songs are in excess of 10 minutes long but it doesn't matter since the thing plays like one long orchestra of awesome.

I was about to buy Alaska yesterday, but I found myself saying "Now Way! You can't stop listening to Colors yet!". So I didn't, and I don't know how long this album will keep me on this high. I'm tempted to force a voluntary stop listen so I don't experience another Avenged Sevenfold type of overlistening situation, although I'm not sure that could happen in this case. Either way, I love this cd, I just wanted to shout it from on top of a mountain, But I didn't have a mountain, I had an internet blog and a computer.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Back after a lull.

Well. If anyone is reading this, it's back!
There was quite a bit of down time where nothing noteworthy happened. Still nothing exciting to report but it dawned on me, "Fuck it! If you're reading this you really have nothing better to do with your time."
With that said I would like to introduce my new tale based on real events:

My Trip to Costco & The Downward Spiral

Not long ago I borrowed a Costco family card and decided to pick up a few things. For the first little while I made my way through the aisles just taking in all the magnificent deals they had to offer, so very much for so very little. But after 15 minutes it became apparent that there wasn't a whole lot that would be useful to me. Myself and my roommates seldom eat at home due to food needing to be cooked and shit, so many of these deals became painfully useless to me.
Now it was a challenge. I got the card and I drove all the way out here. I wasn't going to go away empty handed. So I picked up a flat of house brand cola, hey we still mix our drinks right? Sweet. One down. Gotta find more items.
My next treasure was a giant tub of pickles. I don't eat a lot of pickles, but they do add a certain zip to a sandwich from time to time. Also, I don't think they can go bad, that's why they're pickled right?
I was stuck, I couldn't think of anything else that wouldn't rot in my house. There was nothing else I thought I needed. Then on my way to the checkout I saw a box of condoms. This was a massive box of condoms, 120 dubes in one package. This could be good. First off, my girlfriend is either too cheap or too selfish to go on the pill. Secondly, I'm going to look like a hell of a stud ringing that monstrous box of condoms through.
It wasn't the treasure trove I had anticipated, but I walked away feeling that I did alright. The day was good.
Later on that same evening my little lady came over and we ordered a pizza and watched a movie. It was getting near bed time and I went to go clean myself up a bit and my girl followed. I washed my face and started brushing my teeth. It was then I was asked to move out of the way. My gal then made her way into the bathroom and grabbed a toothbrush from the cup and began cleaning up. This seemed strange to me. I didn't know who's toothbrush she was using and I was a tad grossed out, but I figured I knew where the night was heading and I didn't mind the though of minty breath.
We made our way down to my bedroom and after a little talk we began getting a little frisky. But the whole toothbrush incident was weighing heavy on my mind. I just couldn't shake it. So I had to ask her,"who's toothbrush did you use up there?"
"Oh, that's mine silly" she replied.
"Wait a second! You have a toothbrush here?" I couldn't believe it. When did this happen. She never told me this. I didn't know that we were at that stage in the relationship.
This continued in the question and answer style for a few minutes and eventually grew into a small argument.
She began to get defensive, "I can't believe you don't want me to have a toothbrush here. You have serious commitment issues Adam!"
I don't know why, but that set me off. "Commitment issues? I have commitment issues? Take a look at this!"
That's where I busted out my new purchase. I thought this gigantic box of jimmy-hats would save the day.
She didn't see it that way. She figured I was just with her for the sex.
I tried to comfort her, "You're too cheap to go on the pill so I got these. 120 condoms, that's like 4 months of doin it if we do it every day, but with your headaches and shit this box is like a six month commitment!"
She didn't see it my way and I had to drive her home. She took her toothbrush and now I'm single.
Being single isn't the worst thing in the world, but now I've got this huge box of condoms sitting in my dresser drawer. And they expire eventually. So now every night it's like something out of an Edgar Allen Poe story. It's hard to sleep, all I can hear is "TICK-TOCK" coming from my dresser. Each day is a reminder I'm not getting any. The box is now taunting me. It's hell.
Now I'm a little worried. Take this scenario for example. Say I get a cute little philly to come home with me and somehow convince her that it's a good idea to sleep with me. How is that girl going to react to this new fella in her life pulling out a monstrous box of condoms? No good can come from this.