Tuesday, May 22, 2007

It's all in how you look at it.

May long weekend has passed and I learned something new.
Weed does funny things to a person. It does not make you smarter as I was led to believe through some conversations with pot-heads (note: If a pot-head has taken one post-secondary course in their lifetime they believe that they are the smartest kid on the block).
I realized that pot doesn't make you smarter, it just makes you easily impressed. I spent an entire afternoon absorbed by the amazingness of plants.
"Whoa man! Plants are crazy. They like, take the sun. And then they use it as food. Then you know what man? They get indigestion from eating the sun, and they fart out oxygen! Can you believe it? Plant farts keep us alive!" And so on.
The plant fart thing was pretty cool. But I still spent half of that afternoon being astounded by photosynthesis. Something we all learned about in elementary school.
Then I'm not sure if I was still high or not, but I started thinking of how cool it would be if people could photosynthesize... yeah, I was probably still high.
But that would be quite awesome. Just imagine how that would change the world.
"Hey fatty, get an umbrella!"
It'd be so crazy. All those starving kids in poor nations would be disgustingly fat. They'd probably still have those guilt-trip commercials. "For the price of a cup of coffee YOU can provide a ball cap and a treadmill for these tubs of lard."
PETA would probably be pretty happy too. "Never before have the lions of the world ate so good. These fat little children make for easy and delicious prey for the majestic beasts."
It's probably a good thing I don't smoke on a regular basis.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Every day is an adventure.

Summer is near, that's right, the beer drinking season is nearly upon us. So with that in mind I paid a visit to my physician. And folks, he gave me some earth shattering news. Something that forced me to reevaluate my life.
Beer alone cannot sustain a person. Apparently there are not enough nutrients and crap in there to keep a person alive. He even claimed that if I attempted to consume beer and only beer through the summer months I'd surely die. And when I tried to argue the value of the protein in a bottle of beer he told me to stop being an idiot and read a book.
This prompted me to go out and buy a bottle of those multi-vitamins. It has only been a week, but the results have been far better than I could have ever imagined! Now when I take a leak it looks like I'm shooting a neon laser beam out my wang!
I love taking a piss now. It's like an adventure every time. It's like I'm in Star Wars every time I go to the bathroom now.
I pretend I'm a bad ass Jedi and I go into battle with my yellow lightsaber. I like to imagine the toilet as Darth Vader and I have a great time making up battle scenes.

...my bathroom is disgusting.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

How funny are we?

My friends and I have had a habit of using the phrase "big whoop" for nearly anything that happens to us. Everything from "Hey, I just cleaned that!" "Big whoop!" to "Jesus guys, I think it might be broke!?" "Big Whoop!". Now I know it's hard for an outsider to really understand why we do things and why they're ridiculously funny, but I do try to get my girlfriend in on most of our jokes, including this one. I've been back for about 3 weeks now and she knows this is now just a default response to anything said to me. Last night she has the audacity to tell me "Ok you can give that up now, I don't think it's funny" to which I reply, "Well I know 7 people who think it is". "Well I know about 100 people who would think saying 'big whoop' to everything that's said to you is dumb" and to really illustrate the hilarity of using the phrase I respond... "Big whoop!"