Saturday, December 30, 2006

Marketing Genius!

I've decided to jump in to the beverage market. I'm going to have my own drink!
I've decided to use a form of niche marketing and specifically target paranoid schizophrenics. I'll be naming my drink "The Antidote".
It can't fail!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Are Aliens really that smart?

Sometimes I think we give Aliens too much credit. We don't even know if they exist, but we have assumed that they do and they can make it here and beam us up to prod our holes.
I'm ok with Aliens being able to travel through space and visit our planet, I've accepted that. But that feat alone does not ensure that they have beams that can suck us up on their ships.
And that is why I will never climb a rope ladder that is just hanging out of nowhere. Even if there is a sign at the bottom of the ladder that says "Cookies" and has an arrow pointing up. Fuck that I'll buy my own cookies. No Alien is tricking me into climbing aboard their spacecraft.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

The funniest thing I've seen to date.

It was two summers ago. I know it was in July, and I think it was a Tuesday. I've got it circled on a calendar somewhere, I can show it to you later if you want.
But I digress. I was making my way back to my car which I had parked in a downtown residential area when I saw it.
There was a dude on the other side of the street walking my way, and he was talking to himself. Not funny? Did I forget to mention he was deaf?
I was skeptical at first and thought he was just shooing away flies. So I took a closer look, and thanks to the Sign Language crib notes I picked up from the deaf guy in the Wal-Mart parking lot I was able to make out a "J" and what I'm pretty sure was the word "rash".
This was one crazy sketched out guy, and he had a handicap. Now if you're any kind of sadist this is as good as it gets.
I've thought long and hard, and so far the only thing I've come up with is if I pull up to a set of lights and catch a deaf dude "singing" in his car, then getting embarrassed when I catch him and going back to 10 and 2. That, that is the only thing that will top this.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Is there a God? Am I God?

I have to believe there is something more to life than what meets the eye. I'd really like to believe there is some sort of entity that looks over us, something of a great beyond. And for all that to be true, we must have souls. Now if I can say that every living creature has a soul, that would be quite a comforting notion.

But, lets say I take an earthworm and cut it in half. What happens then?

Defining Moments

Times like these happen periodically through our lives. It may be something that sticks with you, or even makes you question the world around you. These little happenings shape the persons we become.

I remember one such time. I was six years old and I was spending the weekend with my Uncle on the family farm. While I was up there he told me, "Adam. Laughter is the best medicine. If you can be down in the dumps and still find something to laugh about you'll be alright." it was very moving.

Later that same weekend my Uncle and myself were going down to feed the cows when he was stricken with an asthma attack. While trying to get his inhaler out of his pocket he dropped the thing. I took one look at the little puffer on the ground, then I tickled my Uncle. I tickled him and tickled him.

The moral of the story is, even if you are small and have glasses people will respect you if you killed a man with your bare hands at the age of six.

Why I won't be rich. A.K.A. God dammit!

I don't think I've got a mind that will allow me to come up with "Million Dollar Ideas". In fact, I think my mind activly rejects them. I mean, if X number of years ago a friend were to approach me and say, "hey Adam. I've got a great idea for you. A chance for both of us to be rich. I just need a little bit of cash to get the ball rolling."

I'd probably be on board, or at least contemplating the proposal at that point. I may even say something like, "go on" or "what's the idea?"

Now my buddy says, "See, I'm going to take pasta, and I'm going to cut it into tiny pieces in the shapes of the letters from the alphabet."

I'd tell my pal to fuck off. Boom-zing, I'm out millions.

The Joke about buying a new bed

The other day I went to the mattress store because I wanted a new bed. I wandered around for a while when a salesman approached me. I told him what was up and he had me follow him into the back room. There we looked at a real nice mattress.
He said to me, "This is the best mattress on the market. Laying on this thing feels like you're just floating in the air."
And that made me think, "How the fuck do astronauts stay awake?"

The Worst Xmas Song Ever!

The absolute worst christmas song has to be "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus". It's just terrible and wrong.
Think about it for a minute. There is a small child, probably 5-8 years old and they catch their mother making out with a stranger. Then instead of being pissed off at the hussy for fooling around behind Daddy's back, they sing a song about the whole ordeal.
If I ever have kids and they catch their Mother kissing Santa (me in a costume) I'd want them to sneak downstairs and smash that fat bastard (me) in the spine with a chair. Then they should call their Mom a "bitch" or a "cheating whore". That'd make me happy.
I know they're between 5 & 8 years old and that kind of language and behaviour is probably not right for a youngster, but I say you are never too young to know it ain't right for Mommy to make out with anyone but Daddy.
Adultery is not a proper topic for a childrens song, especially around Christmas time.

Playing Cupid

So I know this girl Stacy, and she likes my pal Mike.
So one day I go up to Mike and say, "Hey Mike. What do you think about Stacy? Would you ever want to go out with her?"
Then Mike says, "No way man! She's fat and ugly!"
So I tell him, "Mike, you should really look inside people. We are all full of blood, and guts, and crap, ....EW! Good call! I too want a girl who is at least half."

End of the Human Race!!!!

They say that humans only use like 5% of their brains. They also say that men think about sex every 7 seconds.
I think that if I ever accidentally used like 50-60% of my brain I would orgasm myself to death. I'd cum myself right inside out.
If we ever evolve to that state where we use all of our brains. The life expectancy of men will be the first day of grade 8. We would all go to school, notice that the girls started to sprout tits, then we'd flip ourselves inside out via the dick.
There'd be no fighting it either. You know how you sometimes try to NOT get a boner, so you block out all those little dirty thoughts. But then that one turbo dirty thought sneaks through and you pop wood? That would happen, and guys would just vaporize.