Thursday, November 27, 2008

Gimme Money!

Have you ever applied for a loan, or a line of credit?
Maybe you wanted a car, or needed to pay for school. Not enough cash, so it's time to head to the bank and let them tell you what you're worth.
I've done this a number of times in my life. One thing remains constant every time I go down for a consultation.

I look spiffy! Fuck do I get dolled up! I iron my shirt, spray on the good cologne, I even get myself a store bought haircut (Why pay someone $20 to do well what I could do terribly for free?).

I'm not sure why I figure this ritual helps. I know they can see my bank balance and know my credit rating. Frankly, I'd be more comfortable showing my manhood to a room full of single women after icing down my junk for an afternoon than have them see my bank statements.

I guess in my head I've convinced myself that these bankers see the wrinkle proof Denver-Hayes cotton slacks and a smart, trustworthy, financially savvy individual....

Banker, "So Adam, it looks like you are applying for an extension on your line of credit here."

Me, "Yeah, you see. Derek has an Xbox 360 and there is this new James Bond game out. Now he could play online against me if I had the system and the game you see. Long story short, I'm wearing a suit and my hair looks respectable, what are you afraid of?"

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pure Awesome

If you're a big fan of both Bas Rutten and Daryn Jones then you've already probably seen all of this. If not, here ya go!

This is the video that kicked it off.

Bas' warning!

Bas finds Daryn.

Bas is in Canada.

And the finale.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

hubba hubba... NOT!

The Playboy Bunny is a symbol recognized around the world. It is a sign of a very successful company, and of amazingly beautiful women. For me it has become a sign that a boner is only a few pages away.
Now my world has been thrown for a loop. Playboy has really dove head first into merchandising and their logo can be seen on all sorts of products.
And I ask, why do all of the women I see wearing the playboy items make me want to gouge my eyes out and my penis just wants to run away?
All my life I have been conditioned to associate the "bunny" with fantastically beautiful women. Now when I see the bunny my dick starts to stir, it's a Pavlovian response. But when my eyes adjust and I take in the whole image of the ghoul wearing the XXL Playboy tanktop that is still two sizes too small I feel cheated and nauseated.
I haven't put in the research hours, but I'll bet you that these gals I speak of also own a Nascar Shirt that they wear on laundry day. Or at very least a John Deer t-shirt. Proving they are a part of the upper crust of the human pie.
Hey Playboy! You're muddying the brand and scaring my penis. Fix this now!
Also, to the fat girls. Now that I've got your attention I'd like to say you can stop taking those photos of yourself where you hold the camera up from your face at an angle and only show down to your cleavage.
Sure, it still fools me every time. But with people tagging people left, right and center on facebook I'm going to see the rest of you sooner or later. I think it's best if you just stop lying to yourself with those photos. But more importantly if you stop lying to me and my penis with those photos -- we don't like being tricked.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Hey Steve!

If your name is Steve or Steven/Stephen please read this carefully. I beg of you, take what I have to say to heart.

From this day forward I will no longer call any of you "Steve-O". Save for the exception that your last name starts with an "O", then I will do it, but I reserve the right to not be happy about it. The rest of you can go fuck yourselves for the following reasons:

1. If I wanted to call you something other than your real name I'd choose something shorter. Steve-O is longer than Steve. Doesn't make the grade right there.

2. There are already too many Steve-O's out there. I'm doing you a favour.

3. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY should be allowed to pick their own nickname. I don't know of any other name out there that insists on being called by a stupid nickname more than the Steve's of the world.

Now, if you insist on being called by a nickname I will call you "Skippy" or "Spud". If you complain about that, then you get a more confusing and less enjoyable nickname along the lines of "Toenails" or "Fingerpaint". Complain again and I'm just going to have to kill something you love

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Come on now.

I can understand getting angry while skateboarding. Anyone who has ever skateboarded with me can attest to that. The problem with this guy is that he's getting angry, but it appears as if he can't even do a noseslide. I always hated when people would try harder tricks than they can do and either get mad or say some shit like "Oh man I was nailing that trick yesterday". There's no shame in learning, everyone does it.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


Two of the best bands making music today. Both with a live cd and dvd. How can you go wrong?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Have it, need it, have it, have it...

I was staying at my parents place for a while in my old room. So I started to go through the closet and look at a bunch of my old junk, when I stumbled upon my old Hockey Card collection.

I flipped through the binders looking at these old familiar names thinking to myself, "I had some good ones back in the day. I'll bet you some of these are worth quite a bit now..."

Then I stopped myself realizing that anyone who believes these cards are valuable probably doesn't have any money at all... or a life.

So if there are any rich losers out there looking for either a Pavel Bure or Jaromir Jagr rookie card, hit a brother up.