Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Fedor Facts

Fedor Emelianenko destroyed Tim Sylvia in 36 seconds on Saturday. These are just a few of the reasons why. (I know it's a Chuck Norris rip off but fuck it, they're funny)

1 --- Some kids piss their name in the snow. Fedor can piss his name into concrete
2 --- Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Fedor can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants
3 --- Fedor counted to infinity - twice
4 --- Fedor once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands
5 --- Fedor's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Fedor
6 --- Fedor can speak braille
7 --- Fedor's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried
8 --- Fedor was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds
9 --- Fedor died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him
10 --- Fedor puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"
11 --- Superman owns a pair of Fedor pajamas
12 --- Fedor can slam revolving doors
13 --- Fedor sleeps with a night light. Not because Fedor is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Fedor
14 --- Once a cobra bit Fedor' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died
15 --- Fedor was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
16 --- Fedor does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Fedor goes killing
17 --- Fedor divides by zero
18 --- Fedor's wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."
19 --- When Fedor gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live
20 --- Fedor is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Fedor
21 --- Giraffes were created when Fedor uppercutted a horse
22 --- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Fedor
23 --- Fedor' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Fedor will not take crap from anyone
24 --- Fedor has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants
25 --- Fedor is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face
26 --- When Fedor exercises, the machine gets stronger
27 --- Fedor doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
28 --- Fedor can build a snowman out of rain
29 --- Fedor once had a heart attack; his heart lost
30 --- Fedor plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins
31 --- Fedor can kill two stones with one bird
32 --- M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Fedor can touch this
33 --- Fedor once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff
34 --- The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Fedor didn't kill you in your sleep
35 --- Fedor once punched a man in the soul
36 --- Fedor did that to Michael Jackson's face
37 --- The chief export of Fedor is pain
38 --- The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Fedor. This amuses Fedor because he is bulletproof
39 --- Fedor can tie his shoes with his feet
40 --- Fedor once finished "The Song that Never Ends"
41 --- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Fedor's fist
42 --- It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Fedor can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box
43 --- The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Fedor is
44 --- We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Fedor doesn't believe in magic
45 --- Fedor can drown a fish
46 --- When Fedor enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off
47 --- Fedor can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who Fedor is
48 --- The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Fedor
49 --- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Fedor has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears
50 --- Fedor was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Fedor."
51 --- Fedor used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him
52 --- The only time Fedor was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake
53 --- The last digit of pi is Fedor. He is the end of all things
54 --- On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Fedor was here."
55 --- When Fedor breaks the law, the law doesn't heal
56 --- A unicorn once kicked Fedor. That is why they no longer exist
57 --- Bullets dodge Fedor
58 --- Fedor once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

Get Yo Energy Drink...Mutha Fucka!

Are Energy Drinks just what is in style right now? or will they last?
As for me, I pray to Little Baby Jesus that they last...forever.
Anyone that knows me, knows that I am a true believer in energy drinks, they are one of the greatest things ever invented of all time. People are always trying to tell me "they aren't good for you", "they have to much caffeine", "they will give you a heart attack". Eat shit, thats what I say, look at all the people all over the world who drink coffee pretty much from the second they wake up to when they go to bed...everyday, ain't no one preaching to them how bad coffee is or how much caffeine is in coffee, so don't tell me what is good or bad for me, I will do what I want.
One of the reasons I believe they are the greatest things of ever all time...they make you feel like a million dollars...and give you energy, what else could you ask for? I also believe that if I can continue drinking these forever, Its not crazy of me to think that they will keep my heart pumping until I see the age of at least 163...thats just what my scientific research has shown for me, results may vary for the individual.

Now for the people who are reading this that have never tried an Energy Drink, I am going to tell you about some of the different kinds of energy drinks, good and bad, and what to expect from drinking them.

FULL THROTTLE: If you dont want the best and dont want the worst, try one of these. Taste good, and you wont look like a faggot. The Black can is Citrus flavor and the Red can is Tropical, and they have a Silver (sugar free) can also Citrus flavored...all get the job done.

RED BULL: First thing I will say about Red Bull is, Overrated. Why? Because, when you go into 7-11 looking for a Red Bull, you have one choice, because no one really buys a sugar free energy drink. Yes Red Bull taste alright, but again you only have one choice, I dont like that, and they cost more than any other drink, i also dont like that. One thing i really like about Red Bull is the hot girls that drive around in the Red Bull cars all day, bonus.

BEAVER BUZZ: Dont be fooled by the name (its pretty dumb) these pack a punch that will knock your socks off. The Beaver Buzz Green Machine Energy packs a whopping 224mg of caffeine, that gets you moving when your feeling lazy. Green Machine Tastes great, but not as good as there Chronic Energy, which has a nice Tangy Grape flavor, just delightful.

XYIENCE: There are only 6 people in the city I live in that can drink these without me thinking they are complete douche bags. Taste Great and work great, and have 180mg of caffeine. The reason i said what i did about these is because idiots see the name Xyience, and immediately relate it to the UFC and think "well fuck, if i drink these im gonna be tough like Chuck Liddell" FALSE! you will not look tough nor will you be tough, but you will look like a chud and everyone is going to know that are only trying to look tough, and they're all gonna laugh at you, they're all gonna laugh at you.

I am only going to write about one more kind of Energy Drink. There are many, many more like Rockstar those are just bull shit (other than Rockstar Punched), AMP, Red Rain, Pink Energy, Bawls, Boo-Koo, 5 Hour Energy (will make you feel like you are going to die), Coca-Cola Black, Cocaine, Crave, Hype, Guru, Fuse, Jolt, Lost, No Fear, NOS, Sobe, Vixen, Talon, Vault, and yes even Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt...just to name few. The last one on my list is Monster.

MONSTER: Intensity in ten cities. Hands down in the top 5 inventions of all time! If you want the greatest tasting drink you will ever drink, grab yourself a Green Monster. Oh yeah thats right, they have many choices of flavors. Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange ad Red. Purple is soon to be realesed. They also have about 6 Monster Javas (coffee Flavored drinks) On average they pack around 140-160mg of caffeine, and all taste good, Green and Yellow being my personal favorites. Bonus! you dont look like a chud drinking these, people see you with a Monster "that guy knows his shit, he's B.A. bad-ass" and you will be able to fuck people up if they are talking shit about you or your Monster. This is the drink that will keep me alive until 163!

I could have kept going for a long time, but i dont feel like typing anymore.
Now that you think you are as smart as me when it comes to Energy Drinks, get off your ass, grab your skateboard and get to your local 7-11 an try one four five six.

p.s. I'd like to continue this and bash sugar free Energy Drinks more...but I guess fat chicks need energy too.

Monday, July 21, 2008


This just in. Hanes "Muscles Shirts" do not contain muscles.
You heard it here first skinny white guys. The popular "muscle shirt" will not add any muscle to your sad physique. Best to embrace the sleeve or hit the gym. This quick fix has turned out to be a fraud.
In a survey of 300 women an astounding 98% revealed that the "muscle shirt" not only adds no muscle, but it manages to give the appearance of a lower I.Q. as well as making the wearer look like a total "fuck-knuckle" -- Their words not  mine.

Monday, July 14, 2008


I signed up for the Aeroplan card in March. It was advised since I'd be doing a lot of driving with my new job. Since then I've earned 1300 Aeroplan miles. And if you're anything like me you'll think of "miles" as a term used for measuring distance. I thought this was rather handy, and I had planned myself a quick trip to Calgary for a wedding.
Turns out "miles" is just Aeroplan slang for "points". The Aeroplan mile does not equal a real mile. The difference is not a simple Imperial/Metric difference. My 300 mile trip costs 21,000, maybe the school system has failed me or maybe Aeroplan is a fucking asshole. You decide.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Poor People

Have you ever noticed that dirty/rubby poor couples will make out no matter who is around. Just out in public they'll randomly stop what they're doing and start sucking face.
Don't believe me? Go to Wal-Mart!
I swear, deals must turn them on.
"Hey bitch! Check out how cheap the Charmin is!"
"Da-amn, that's the good stuff!"
"Yeah, lets make out"
Right then and there they're grossing me out.
That's why I've never gone into a Giant Tiger. I hear they've got fantastic sales. I'm afraid of finding some dirty broke-ass couple humping beside a rack of half off sweat pants or something.
I don't understand their logic. I mean, I get it you're poor. The world isn't that kind, fuck it right?
But I mean if I was a broke ass dirtball standing in line at McDonalds and my baby-mama came up and said, "kiss me lover" I'd have to say something like, "Fuck off. I don't feel sexy right now! Can't you see I can't afford sleeves! ..... What dollar deal do you want?"

...."We're sharing a water"