Tuesday, April 1, 2008

My best friends girl.


It started last Halloween. I stood across the room from him, staring. He looked so sad so pathetic, he was utterly miserable. My girlfriend had dressed my dog up as a Cowboy. I couldn't imagine how he must have felt.

That was until I looked at Tiffany, dressed up as Raggedy Ann. Which meant I was the jack-ass dressed up as her "Andy".

Fuck. My dog had a cooler costume than I did.

That was the day I began to suspect that she actually liked him more than she liked me.

I mean, she takes him for nice walks in the park. She just makes me watch shitty movies and spends my money.

She comes over after the dog has been laying around all day and rubs his belly. I come home from work and ask for a back rub and she tells me the sink is clogged.

She has seen him drink right out of the toilet, but she still lets him lick her. She catches me drinking milk from the jug and then refuses to use any of it or even pours it in my clogged sink.

He pisses on the floor and she scolds him with a, "Bad boy! Look at what you've done!" I pee in the toilet and she wakes me up at 4am to call me an "asshole" for leaving the seat up. Heaven forbid I should fart in bed, even while sleeping. That gets me a solid elbow to kidneys. But I've seen her calmly pick his turds off the floor with a Kleenex.

He humps her leg and she pushes him aside and laughs it off. I hump her leg and she tells me I'm too drunk and have to sleep on the couch.


If you're wondering, I'm single now. She left me... and took my dog.

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