Wednesday, March 21, 2007


These days it seems everyone is a germaphobe. Every cleaning product out there boasts the "kills 99.9% of bacteria" label. Then there are those hand sanitizers, they kill the same, they even have anti-bacterial Kleenex!
People are now only coming in contact to 0.1% of the bacteria out there. And it's having consequences. Weak and lame consequences.
Why do you think all those kids are deathly allergic to peanuts?
How lame is that? I mean how would you feel if you could die from a snack food?
I know if I was allergic to peanuts, and someone gave me a delicious Snickers bar, and like, if I took a bite without thinking. Oh man, I would run as fast as I could straight into the woods. Then I would punch a Grizzly Bear right in the face!
That way when people asked how I died they'd be like, "wow, that's fucking awesome! Really dumb, but awesome." Compare that to the laughter that would follow after they heard a candy-bar took me down.
What's that other thing that was taking people out???
...SARS! Yeah, remember SARS? What were the symptoms? Riiight, flu-like.
You know what else has flu-like symptoms?
Basically, the flu nearly stopped the world from turning. Cities shut down, people panicked, they even had a benefit concert! For the flu.
I swear it wouldn't be this way if people weren't so afraid of germs. You know what a vaccination is? They put a couple germs in you and your body builds antibodies.
That's why I like to go to the mall once a week and stand at the top of the escalator and press my tongue to the hand rail and just let it roll.
Sure I get some funny looks, but I could go to Africa and fuck every-dam-thing and come home without AIDS. I guarantee.


Gideon said...

Know what I think would be a great idea? Combining that Purell sanitizer with Astro-glide. Think of the peace of mind it would bring to the one night stand.

Brooke Blake said...

U actually stick ur tongue to the escalator handrail? U are just disgusting. I'm not a Germaphobe, but that is crossing a serious line, do u know how many people don't wash their hands after handling raw foods, using the washroom, picking their noses, and various other things.the list goes on. Use ur head.