Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Fedor Facts

Fedor Emelianenko destroyed Tim Sylvia in 36 seconds on Saturday. These are just a few of the reasons why. (I know it's a Chuck Norris rip off but fuck it, they're funny)

1 --- Some kids piss their name in the snow. Fedor can piss his name into concrete
2 --- Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Fedor can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants
3 --- Fedor counted to infinity - twice
4 --- Fedor once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands
5 --- Fedor's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Fedor
6 --- Fedor can speak braille
7 --- Fedor's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried
8 --- Fedor was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds
9 --- Fedor died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him
10 --- Fedor puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"
11 --- Superman owns a pair of Fedor pajamas
12 --- Fedor can slam revolving doors
13 --- Fedor sleeps with a night light. Not because Fedor is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Fedor
14 --- Once a cobra bit Fedor' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died
15 --- Fedor was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
16 --- Fedor does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Fedor goes killing
17 --- Fedor divides by zero
18 --- Fedor's wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."
19 --- When Fedor gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live
20 --- Fedor is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Fedor
21 --- Giraffes were created when Fedor uppercutted a horse
22 --- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Fedor
23 --- Fedor' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Fedor will not take crap from anyone
24 --- Fedor has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants
25 --- Fedor is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face
26 --- When Fedor exercises, the machine gets stronger
27 --- Fedor doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
28 --- Fedor can build a snowman out of rain
29 --- Fedor once had a heart attack; his heart lost
30 --- Fedor plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins
31 --- Fedor can kill two stones with one bird
32 --- M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Fedor can touch this
33 --- Fedor once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff
34 --- The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Fedor didn't kill you in your sleep
35 --- Fedor once punched a man in the soul
36 --- Fedor did that to Michael Jackson's face
37 --- The chief export of Fedor is pain
38 --- The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Fedor. This amuses Fedor because he is bulletproof
39 --- Fedor can tie his shoes with his feet
40 --- Fedor once finished "The Song that Never Ends"
41 --- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Fedor's fist
42 --- It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Fedor can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box
43 --- The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Fedor is
44 --- We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Fedor doesn't believe in magic
45 --- Fedor can drown a fish
46 --- When Fedor enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off
47 --- Fedor can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who Fedor is
48 --- The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Fedor
49 --- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Fedor has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears
50 --- Fedor was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Fedor."
51 --- Fedor used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him
52 --- The only time Fedor was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake
53 --- The last digit of pi is Fedor. He is the end of all things
54 --- On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Fedor was here."
55 --- When Fedor breaks the law, the law doesn't heal
56 --- A unicorn once kicked Fedor. That is why they no longer exist
57 --- Bullets dodge Fedor
58 --- Fedor once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

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