Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Get Yo Energy Drink...Mutha Fucka!

Are Energy Drinks just what is in style right now? or will they last?
As for me, I pray to Little Baby Jesus that they last...forever.
Anyone that knows me, knows that I am a true believer in energy drinks, they are one of the greatest things ever invented of all time. People are always trying to tell me "they aren't good for you", "they have to much caffeine", "they will give you a heart attack". Eat shit, thats what I say, look at all the people all over the world who drink coffee pretty much from the second they wake up to when they go to bed...everyday, ain't no one preaching to them how bad coffee is or how much caffeine is in coffee, so don't tell me what is good or bad for me, I will do what I want.
One of the reasons I believe they are the greatest things of ever all time...they make you feel like a million dollars...and give you energy, what else could you ask for? I also believe that if I can continue drinking these forever, Its not crazy of me to think that they will keep my heart pumping until I see the age of at least 163...thats just what my scientific research has shown for me, results may vary for the individual.

Now for the people who are reading this that have never tried an Energy Drink, I am going to tell you about some of the different kinds of energy drinks, good and bad, and what to expect from drinking them.

FULL THROTTLE: If you dont want the best and dont want the worst, try one of these. Taste good, and you wont look like a faggot. The Black can is Citrus flavor and the Red can is Tropical, and they have a Silver (sugar free) can also Citrus flavored...all get the job done.

RED BULL: First thing I will say about Red Bull is, Overrated. Why? Because, when you go into 7-11 looking for a Red Bull, you have one choice, because no one really buys a sugar free energy drink. Yes Red Bull taste alright, but again you only have one choice, I dont like that, and they cost more than any other drink, i also dont like that. One thing i really like about Red Bull is the hot girls that drive around in the Red Bull cars all day, bonus.

BEAVER BUZZ: Dont be fooled by the name (its pretty dumb) these pack a punch that will knock your socks off. The Beaver Buzz Green Machine Energy packs a whopping 224mg of caffeine, that gets you moving when your feeling lazy. Green Machine Tastes great, but not as good as there Chronic Energy, which has a nice Tangy Grape flavor, just delightful.

XYIENCE: There are only 6 people in the city I live in that can drink these without me thinking they are complete douche bags. Taste Great and work great, and have 180mg of caffeine. The reason i said what i did about these is because idiots see the name Xyience, and immediately relate it to the UFC and think "well fuck, if i drink these im gonna be tough like Chuck Liddell" FALSE! you will not look tough nor will you be tough, but you will look like a chud and everyone is going to know that are only trying to look tough, and they're all gonna laugh at you, they're all gonna laugh at you.

I am only going to write about one more kind of Energy Drink. There are many, many more like Rockstar those are just bull shit (other than Rockstar Punched), AMP, Red Rain, Pink Energy, Bawls, Boo-Koo, 5 Hour Energy (will make you feel like you are going to die), Coca-Cola Black, Cocaine, Crave, Hype, Guru, Fuse, Jolt, Lost, No Fear, NOS, Sobe, Vixen, Talon, Vault, and yes even Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt...just to name few. The last one on my list is Monster.

MONSTER: Intensity in ten cities. Hands down in the top 5 inventions of all time! If you want the greatest tasting drink you will ever drink, grab yourself a Green Monster. Oh yeah thats right, they have many choices of flavors. Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange ad Red. Purple is soon to be realesed. They also have about 6 Monster Javas (coffee Flavored drinks) On average they pack around 140-160mg of caffeine, and all taste good, Green and Yellow being my personal favorites. Bonus! you dont look like a chud drinking these, people see you with a Monster "that guy knows his shit, he's B.A. bad-ass" and you will be able to fuck people up if they are talking shit about you or your Monster. This is the drink that will keep me alive until 163!

I could have kept going for a long time, but i dont feel like typing anymore.
Now that you think you are as smart as me when it comes to Energy Drinks, get off your ass, grab your skateboard and get to your local 7-11 an try one four five six.

p.s. I'd like to continue this and bash sugar free Energy Drinks more...but I guess fat chicks need energy too.


Anonymous said...

Drop me an an email and I will send you some samples of Cocaine

Jamey Kirby
Redux Beverages

karps said...

So I'm 99,9% sure this dick-knuckle never did send any samples our way. I doubt anyone cares, but a handful of people who ilve in a market where Cocaine isn't sold, will not be plugging Cocaine at this pace.