if I could change one thing about myself...

I think that if I could change one thing about myself I'd grow a tail. And not a stupid nub tail. But a functional tail. I hate it when I am making a snack like a glass of juice, some food, maybe a bowl of something else and I'm also trying to carry a DVD or something. It requires a stupid balancing act. I imagine if I had a functional tail I could probably take all that stuff from room to room without dropping anything, or needing to make multiple trips.

Fountain of Youth

Wanna feel young again? Here's a few techniques I came up with to make yourself feel youthful and carefree again.

Have a co-worker say Lettuce and then spell CUP. They'll inadvertently ask to see you urinate! Hilarious.

Have a friend pull the sides of their mouths out with their index fingers and say "I was born on a pirate ship!" They'll think they're bring all cool and piratey but what they'll actually be saying sounds a lot more like "I was born on a pile of shit!" Make sure no grown ups are around cause you could get in trouble with that one.

And last but not least, pick a person of the opposite sex, stare at them, and then start mouthing the words "Elephant Shoes". They'll become so embarrassed at the fact that it looks like you're saying "I love you" to them, that they might even shoot milk out of their nose! And to get really adventurous, stare at someone the same sex as you and hope that they don't beat you into a bloody pulp!

I hope you can all take the time to try one of my patented techniques out during the Christmas holidays. And I'm sure you'll all thank me for being able to transport you back to a simpler time in your life, a time when shit like this was funny.

The happiest time of year!

Christmas is only a week away and that can mean only one thing. World junior hockey is just over a week away. As a Canadian I love this, we all do, we're Canadians gall darn it!
The American team is looking to make a run and maybe topple the menacing giants to the north. The Russians are probably doing something sneaky, c'mon they're Russians.
The Swedes are all looking to regain some former glory, while the Fins are planning on building on some success. Yeah all of Scandinavia is pumped. Except Norway. They will no doubt continue to suck a hairy asshole. Surprising, since they are so close to so many good hockey playing nations.
So I will be nursing a hangover on Boxing Day watching Canada take to the ice. I'd guess most of you guys will do the same. Unless you're out "bargain shopping". In which case, I hope you get a nice dress to match your vaginas.

What job is right for me?

I, like many of you, don't know what I want to do with my life. And I, again like many of you, have parents who press the issue.
"What are you doing with your life Adam?"
"Have you found yourself a good job yet boy?"
"Don't let your Grandpa die thinking you're a loser Adam. Prove him wrong and validate my parenting skills to the old fart"
It's a lot of pressure as you know.
So since the holidays are fast approaching and I don't want to be the disappointment for yet another year I've been putting my nose to the grindstone. I've been looking high and low for that job that will give me the respect of my family. But, fuck that, I don't know what I want to do. This is tough.
That's why I was so happy when my buddy told me about how his Guidance Counsellor helped him out a lot on choosing his career path. So I made myself an appointment and went down to see one for myself.
I got into the office and said, "Hello Mr. Rubinski I need your help. I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life. I've heard you can help."
He then told me to call him Tom. Sure seemed like a nice approachable guy. Tom told me that it's really life and all the clutter and outside influences that mess a guy up and get him off that track that's right for them.
"Oh?" I replied. Then Tom told me to just think back to when I was a little boy and what did I want to be then.
I got it, I understood what he was getting at. I said, "Oh I see now. When you were growing up you wanted to be a Guidance Counsellor."
My meeting was ended abruptly. Tom kicked me out of the office, he said he had something in his eye and needed to wash it out real bad. It must have hurt a lot becuase I could hear his sobs as I walked out of the building.
Still no help though. When I was growing up I was a small kid and got pushed around a ton so I wanted to be gravity. Everyone has to obey gravity!
You want to test me? I'm gravity, you better grab on to a tree fucker, I'm gonna float your ass into space.

P.S. hang in there Gramps. I'll do ya proud one day.

What does this mean?

Everyone! We need help. We have no idea what this means. If it was your comment, thanks, but please translate to english if you can. Anyone else, if you can figure out what it means I might give you something free, even if you just come up with something funny that it could mean. From what I can tell it's some sort of money thing.

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Thirsty Nerds

I've been working in an Engineering office for a while now. I've always known that most people love coffee and drink it all day. You always see on tv and movies people walking around with their coffee cups all happy and what not. I hate coffee, so I drink water at work. I've noticed that the water hardly ever goes down over the period of a week, roughyl the amount I drink. And every few weeks it goes empty, so I change it, no big deal. I have however realized that I am the only person who has changed the water bottle since I've been here. This has all got me wondering, do the engineering nerds actually like coffee? Or are they just too weak to lift the water bottles onto the cooler?

Twofer-Tuesday

I was walking down the street yesterday when I passed a hair salon. It had a sign in the window that said "2-4-1 Tuesdays!".
That's a deal I can't pass up. So I went in and got my hair cut. When the hairdresser was done she got out the mirror to show me her work.
She said, "What do you think?"
I said, "Great, now do it again!"

Mans Best Friend.

One year when I was young my parents bought be a dog for my birthday. They said it was to teach me responsibility and some jazz like that. I didn't really care. I had a dog. That kicked ass, until the responsibility shit came into effect.
My parents expected me to clean up after the damn thing. It crapped a ton. After some hard work I managed to convince Rufus it was a good idea to do that outside.
Problem solved right?
Nope.
My Mom and Dad got mad at me and said that I'd have to go outside and clean all the dog turds up. I had to go pick them up and put them in the trash can. That is not a fun way for a young boy to pass his time.
That became a regular chore and it sucked. I hated it. So one day I had a brilliant idea. I was going to make my crappy job a little more enjoyable. I dumped a pack of crayons out into the dog dish. Lil'Rufus had tie died shits all week. Picking those colourful butt nuggets up made the job a little less unfun.
Rufus also died at the end of that week. I learned a valuable lesson about love and loss. My parents learned that I was not fit to care for another living creature.

GO RIDERS GO

I know I'm super funny. But this is my chance to say Saskatchewan Rules! The Riders won their first Gery Cup since '89 and it was beautiful. The game was ugly,. but as a fan since birth it was a sight to behold. I spent it with family. In a time when the whole province was looking for an excuse to get drunk off their asses i spent it with family and getting drunk off my ass.
Truly it is a time for sports fans to rejoice. They have been the underdog team for a generation and now we have the cup. Let us rejoice!

Jim, Jimmy, Jimbo, fuck them all!

A new guy started at work today. Jim. His name on his application is 'Jim'. He's Jim.
But at break we're all talking to new guy Jim and someone asks, "So what do you like to be called? Jimmy, or just Jim?".
And everyone leans in like the guy is going to reveal the mysteries of life.
Anyhow, Jim says, "Well it doesn't really matter to me much. I'll answer to either of them. But my friends call me Jimbo. You could call me that too if you'd like."
"OOOOhhhhh JIMBO!" A collective cry from the breakroom. These jerks acted like Jim gave us all trained penguins that we could have work as our personal butlers. Or like a hover board from Back to the Future II.
The rest of the day I had to listen to everyone walking by saying, "Hey Jimbo!" , "what's up Jimbo", "Jimbo, want a brewski after work?".
Why didn't they ask me what I'd like to be called when I started here?
Sure my name is Adam, but that doesn't mean I like it.
I didn't choose it. Maybe I want to be called Jesus, Zeus*, or even Dave. Nope. No options for Adam. And that's total bullshit.
Why do the Jims', Tims', Toms', Bobs' and Dicks' of the world get these name luxuries?

*I would have chosen Zeus if they gave me the chance.