Monday, October 22, 2007

Damn Evolution!

Let's face it guys, for whatever insane reason, genetics and evolution gave us butt hair. Always making wiping the most unfavorable part of taking a "dump". For a while I've wondered how to minimalize the amount of crap that gets in contact with the hair itself. After years of gruelling scientific research I've decided that it is literally impossible. Then I wondered "What if I used facecloths? They would have the strength and rigidity needed to cleanse the butt hairs of the crap!". Deciding that there was really no totally sanitary way of actually using facecloths, I gave into a world of total despair and endless wiping to achieve "white flags".

Gentlemen, I have found the solution. The researchers at Charmin (obviously male ones) have figured out what we need in a toilet paper and created Charmin Extra Strong with Flex Weave! This shit is the best! Not only does it hold together like a cloth, meaning you don't have to use a handful to ensure you don't get crap on your hands, its smooth yet contoured weaving pattern makes cleaning the butt hairs extremely easy and at least 75% more enjoyable than before. Go out and buy a pack of these wonder papers and you'll see for yourself.

Rejoice! No longer will we suffer through wiping till we bleed. No longer will we risk the chance of stragglers making their way from butt hair to underwear. And no longer will we ever again have to worry about flimsy toilet paper balling up and getting stuck in the butt hairs. Never again, because thanks to Charmin Extra Strength with Flex Weave, we have won the war on butt hair!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You know, I too used to be in the same mindset as you. I even tried to trim the hair from my crack. That didn't do anything really. Kinda made it itchy, still hung onto the random crap that would get stuck in my "butt-net" as I would call it.
Then one day something happened. I was like the Grinch on Christmas morn. The way I looked at my butt hole was flipped upside down. I realized that turds are stinky deamons. And I knew those curly little ass-hairs had a purpose, a job. They were the Angels sent to guard the gates of hell!
Their job is neither glamorous or fun, but it is necessary.
Without them I imagine my lower back would look like the scene of some sort of apocolyptic wasteland after wiping my bum.

... but maybe I'll give those Charmin things a go. Pity, I just came to terms with the whole scene back there too.