Monday, October 15, 2007

Back after a lull.

Well. If anyone is reading this, it's back!
There was quite a bit of down time where nothing noteworthy happened. Still nothing exciting to report but it dawned on me, "Fuck it! If you're reading this you really have nothing better to do with your time."
With that said I would like to introduce my new tale based on real events:

My Trip to Costco & The Downward Spiral

Not long ago I borrowed a Costco family card and decided to pick up a few things. For the first little while I made my way through the aisles just taking in all the magnificent deals they had to offer, so very much for so very little. But after 15 minutes it became apparent that there wasn't a whole lot that would be useful to me. Myself and my roommates seldom eat at home due to food needing to be cooked and shit, so many of these deals became painfully useless to me.
Now it was a challenge. I got the card and I drove all the way out here. I wasn't going to go away empty handed. So I picked up a flat of house brand cola, hey we still mix our drinks right? Sweet. One down. Gotta find more items.
My next treasure was a giant tub of pickles. I don't eat a lot of pickles, but they do add a certain zip to a sandwich from time to time. Also, I don't think they can go bad, that's why they're pickled right?
I was stuck, I couldn't think of anything else that wouldn't rot in my house. There was nothing else I thought I needed. Then on my way to the checkout I saw a box of condoms. This was a massive box of condoms, 120 dubes in one package. This could be good. First off, my girlfriend is either too cheap or too selfish to go on the pill. Secondly, I'm going to look like a hell of a stud ringing that monstrous box of condoms through.
It wasn't the treasure trove I had anticipated, but I walked away feeling that I did alright. The day was good.
Later on that same evening my little lady came over and we ordered a pizza and watched a movie. It was getting near bed time and I went to go clean myself up a bit and my girl followed. I washed my face and started brushing my teeth. It was then I was asked to move out of the way. My gal then made her way into the bathroom and grabbed a toothbrush from the cup and began cleaning up. This seemed strange to me. I didn't know who's toothbrush she was using and I was a tad grossed out, but I figured I knew where the night was heading and I didn't mind the though of minty breath.
We made our way down to my bedroom and after a little talk we began getting a little frisky. But the whole toothbrush incident was weighing heavy on my mind. I just couldn't shake it. So I had to ask her,"who's toothbrush did you use up there?"
"Oh, that's mine silly" she replied.
"Wait a second! You have a toothbrush here?" I couldn't believe it. When did this happen. She never told me this. I didn't know that we were at that stage in the relationship.
This continued in the question and answer style for a few minutes and eventually grew into a small argument.
She began to get defensive, "I can't believe you don't want me to have a toothbrush here. You have serious commitment issues Adam!"
I don't know why, but that set me off. "Commitment issues? I have commitment issues? Take a look at this!"
That's where I busted out my new purchase. I thought this gigantic box of jimmy-hats would save the day.
She didn't see it that way. She figured I was just with her for the sex.
I tried to comfort her, "You're too cheap to go on the pill so I got these. 120 condoms, that's like 4 months of doin it if we do it every day, but with your headaches and shit this box is like a six month commitment!"
She didn't see it my way and I had to drive her home. She took her toothbrush and now I'm single.
Being single isn't the worst thing in the world, but now I've got this huge box of condoms sitting in my dresser drawer. And they expire eventually. So now every night it's like something out of an Edgar Allen Poe story. It's hard to sleep, all I can hear is "TICK-TOCK" coming from my dresser. Each day is a reminder I'm not getting any. The box is now taunting me. It's hell.
Now I'm a little worried. Take this scenario for example. Say I get a cute little philly to come home with me and somehow convince her that it's a good idea to sleep with me. How is that girl going to react to this new fella in her life pulling out a monstrous box of condoms? No good can come from this.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

truely a terrific read!
btw this is kent

TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsJimmy said...

how about the monkey and the wooden banana?

Munster said...

This is good, still needs work I think if it was for your act.

BoBBy said...

*Right on* LOL
Very entertaining reading