Sunday, November 4, 2007

Happy Way-to-go Day?!

Birthdays are a weird thing. Well, they are not so much weird but our custom of celebrating them is. I mean, why do we all get one day a year where we are "special" because we were born? None of us had any say in that matter, and we certainly did none of the work.
I find the real early birthdays most perplexing.
"Hey little one year old. Here is a toy you're not really going to like and you'll never remember."
Hooray! Lets celebrate the fact that you've been alive for a whole year. Why? What have you done all year?! You can't do anything. You shit, puke and piss all over yourself. You can't feed yourself, you can't even sit up or move. Way to go little one you've been a lump that requires a lot of attention for a whole 365 days. Lets trow a party.
I have no children of my own, but if I did I bet their second birthday would really be the one to chap my ass. Another year of the same really. Only now the little child is trying to speak. Emphasis on TRYING, because if you've ever heard a one year old "talking" it's not really words. It's just sounds that their parents insist are words. So now the kid is mobile and needs more attention than before. Once it starts moving around everything in a house is a potential killer for the kid. On top of that your precious child is still crapping itself, only now the dumps are bigger and more people-like. It's utterly disgusting if you ask me. So Happy Birthday 2 year old, you've been a gross headache for another 365 days.
I think we shouldn't recognize children's birthdays until they are about 5. By this time their memory has developed enough that they might recall it later on. Plus they may have done some things worth celebrating. Maybe your kid came in third in the kindergarten spelling bee? They lost out on the word "Tree", that's probably a real tough word for a 5 year old.
If we're going to do anything for years one through 4 or 5 it should probably be a day to celebrate the parents or caregivers efforts in keeping their little liability alive for another year. We could all draw straws and whoever gets the short one has to look after the kid for the night while the parents go out and get rip roaring drunk.
I'm just saying lets give credit where credit is due.

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